Adventures in Cat-Sitting, a Play in One Act

Peter sits at the table, trying to work. He is grumpy and irritable after being woken two hours early by a deranged cat yowling at the bedroom door. The Cat jumps on the table and sits on the computer keyboard. Peter moves The Cat.

Peter: What do you want, cat?
The Cat: Feed me, mortal.
Peter: Dude, I fed you ten minutes ago. You ate. There is no more food.
The Cat: FEED ME.
Peter: No.
The Cat: I stare at you.
Peter: Totally cool with me.
The Cat:I stare with mighty stareness.
Peter: Huh.
The Cat: FEEL THE WEIGHT OF MY DISPLEASURE
Peter: Got it. Trying to work.
The Cat: I savage your toe.
Peter: Fuck. Shit. Rack off, I was using that.
The Cat: FEEEEEEEED ME!
Peter: TRYING TO WORK.
The Cat: Holy shit, there’s birds in the yard.
Peter:They’re chickens. They’re there every day. You know this, because I pull you away from their pen every morning.
The Cat: I savage the chickens for food!
Peter: You’re starting to piss me off.

The other cat, hearing Peter move through the kitchen to rescue the chickens, emerges from his hiding place.

Other Cat: Food?
Peter: No food.
Other Cat: Cool.

Other Cat disappears in a method that’s mysterious and probably involves the city of Ulthar beyond the river Skai. Outside there are chicken’s panicking.

The Cat: FOOOOOOOD!

Peter goes outside and saves the chickens.

The Cat:Seriously d00d, feeed me.
Peter: No.
The Cat: I bring you offerings.
Peter: Dude, I have no use for crickets.
The Cat: Then I shall eat the offering and bring you another.
Peter:Whatev’s man, just do it outside.
The Cat: Fuck that, d00d, you don’t learn the lesson about feeding me if I don’t eat the cricket on your feet.

Peter removes the cat. Peter removes the half-eaten cricket.

The Cat: Offering!
Peter: I don’t want it.
The Cat:It isn’t for you. This offering goes to mighty Cthulhu, that he may rise from sunken R’yleh and lay waste to the world. Then I shall eat your eyelids, for I hunger and they look tasty.
Peter:Whatev’s.

Peter removes the cat. Peter removes the half-eaten cricket.

The Cat: Doom.
Peter: TRYING TO WORK!
The Cat: Ai! Ai! F’tagn!

Peter removes the cat. Peter confiscates The Cat’s copy of the Necronomicon as a safety precaution.

The Cat: Feed me.

Peter removes the cat. Peter barricades the cat door with a waste-paper basket.

The Cat: Ouch.
Peter:Opposable thumbs, dude. Don’t mess with the guy who has ’em.
The Cat: No fair!
Peter: You can come back in without offerings if you fuck off and let me get some work done.
The Cat: You will pay, mortal. Oh yes, you will pay…with your eyelids.

The Cat dissappears to plot revenge. Peter goes to work in peace.

Other Cat: Food?
Peter: Working.
Other Cat: Cool.
Peter: I reward your understanding with belly scratches.